Victimization and It's Ugly Bedfellows

Victim: one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent; one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment 

This is how Webster's Dictionary defines the word victim. Most humans have felt, or will feel, like victims at some point in their lives. What the dictionary doesn't define is how it feels to be a victim. Some victims die & therefore don't have to deal with feeling like a victim. Their families, however, are another story. Another set of victims. 

But I think the majority of victims live after their oppression, hardship, or mistreatment. Rape victims, car accident survivors, battered women, abused &/or molested children, families who were affected by house fires, natural disasters, the death of a loved one in war, the loss of a family member to cancer, suicide, a car accident, a murder....it goes on & on. And then there are the unspeakable circumstances: losing a child to abduction, murder, cancer, an accident, a birth defect, illness. These give me shivers as a mama. Surely these parents feel like victims. How do they live? How do they go on? How do any victims "go on?" How do you cope when your life is suddenly & inexplicably divided into "before" & "after?"  

I don't know about you, but I recall many times throughout childhood stating emphatically, "It's not fair!" No matter how often it was explained to me that life in fact is NOT fair, I had this pervading sense that it should be & that by pointing out when it wasn't, something would change. My parents would see my point & right the wrong, my teacher would acquiesce & give me a second chance, a better grade, extend my deadline. My employer would suddenly realize the unfairness once I pointed it out & behave accordingly. Behave accordingly- that's the crux of it. We cling to the belief that if someone is made to realize or see the unfairness of a situation, they will behave accordingly.  Sometimes, though not often, this does happen. 

But what if the victim isn't dealing with a person? What if the unfairness is dealt out by a corporation? Our justice system? The pharmaceutical industry? A medical center? Bureaucrats or politicians? What if a rape victim doesn't get justice in a courtroom? What if she is too frightened or traumatized to even go to the police or subject herself & her family to a trial? How about your average middle-income family that can't afford a lawyer competent enough to take on a medical center or pharmaceutical company? What about victims or their families that DO actually make it to a courtroom only to see justice thwarted due to inadmissible evidence? Or the perpetrator gets a light or even suspended sentence due to overcrowding in prisons or a burdened justice system? What then? How do these victims live? How do they cope? Who do they blame?

Ahh, there it is: BLAME. We feel compelled to assign blame, even from a young age. "He started it. She hit me first. But he took my toy!" This continues throughout our lives, it just morphs into mature language. As our verbal skills improve we even learn to assign blame obliquely. As in "I was never unfaithful." "I guess she didn't love me enough." "It's not my fault we can't get along." The message is clear - it's the other persons fault & the speaker is the victim. Psycologists have a field day with our need to assign blame & have written shelves of books on the subject. Terms like "displaced anger" & "childish perspectives" abound. At a glance, one might agree that assigning blame is childish & serves no constructive purpose.

 Overall, I would have to disagree. We have an innate need for justice. We have been taught from an early age that things are right or wrong, black or white with very little grey. In the US at least, the justice system is pretty basic. From the outset a perpetrator & a victim are identified. Good guy, bad guy. It's the first thing you do when assessing a situation in which unfairness occurred. Often, when we are assigning blame, I don't think we are being childish or trying to minimize our culpability. We are just trying to process it, make sense of what happened. And the first step is to determine who is wrong & who is right. Do we often mis-assign blame? Certainly. Do we minimize our part in situations? Often. Are some prone to always cast themselves as the victim? Unfortunately. But we feel blame has to be determined in order to begin muddling through the disaster & processing it emotionally.
 
 Now, suppose it's the universe, or chance, or God that you feel is being unfair? What then? You don't even have the option of legal recourse. All you can do is shake your fist at the sky, maybe curse God or your bad luck. God has been assigned blame since the dawn of time. What comes after the blaming? Wallowing, of course. Most victims feel inclined to this at some point. Some even devote their lives to it. Another common trait among victims is anger. Why did this have to happen? Why did it happen to me/us?  How could it have been avoided? The realization that often there is nothing they could have done to avoid it brings loads of anger. Let us not forget anger's ugly cousin - bitterness. These two keep company like salt & pepper. And that leads us to the feeling of victimization. Why is it so difficult to bear? Why do we often respond with anger, outrage, bitterness? 

My two cents: because we feel no sense of control. Despite how often the Bible reminds us that we are NOT in control, we cling to the misconception that we are. Humans at their basest level crave power. I'm not talking about those that aspire to rule the world or create a cult complete with blind followers. I'm talking about the innate drive in us all, practically from birth, to have & exercise some power. An infant learns quickly that her cries are her power. She gets a response when she cries & as a result, her needs are usually met. Her diaper is changed or she is fed. A toddler's power is a tantrum. If he screams & cries loudly enough, he gets his way. We've all seen this firsthand. (Hopefully in public & not in our own homes. :-) Looking at it from this perspective, we've been conditioned from birth to exercise power. It gives us a sense of control in a world that is unpredictable. It gives us a sense of security- we can assert ourselves & see that our needs are met if others aren't concerned with them. And we often equate fairness with justice. And if there simply is no justice, we are bitter.

Human beings believe in justice. A sense of fairness in an unfair world. A shield against victimhood. How often have you found yourself caught up in a current affair & suddenly you have an opinion, a very strong one? You don't know these people, you may never have heard of the country until the news broadcast, but suddenly you are passionate. You are convicted. You know xyz is wrong & should be righted. You discuss it with your friends, around the water cooler & on Facebook. You hope & pray for justice. Why? Because in this scary world in which we live, we need the comfort of believing, of hoping, that justice does prevail. It makes us feel safer. Less scared. Less out-of-control & at the mercy of chaos, chance & bad luck. Less likely to become a victim. 

Next time I will attempt to dissect how victims live & what they do (or don't do) with the anger, bitterness & haunting sense of powerlessness.